find people who have your back
(To watch the YouTube version of this post, click HERE.)
Grief is no joke, guys. It's tough, it's emotional, and it can feel really isolating. That's why it's so important to find a support system to help you through it. Even if you’re an introvert like me, you will still need at least a few people you can rely on to talk to.
So where do you find a support system? Well, there are a few options. You could turn to your friends and family for support. Or, you could see a counselor or therapist to work through your feelings. You could also join a support group, either in person or online, where you can connect with others who are going through similar experiences.
One thing that can help is to do what I call a “State of the Union” with your support. Take stock of who exactly is available to you right now, and the ways in which those people can support you. If you’re like me, it’s a comfort just knowing that there are people available, even if I never actually ask anyone to hang out or help me with things.
Let’s start with friends and family. If you’re early in your grief, you might have a flood of people who are paying attention to you and helping you right now. If you’re a little further out, the pool of people available to you has probably dried up quite a bit.
In either case, what I want you to do is make a list of 2-3 people to whom you feel comfortable talking — that you could text, call, or email at any time and you wouldn’t mind sharing how you’re feeling. You don’t need a lot of people in this role – you want the people with whom you are the most comfortable.
You might have people reaching out to you frequently, but you don’t feel a deep connection with them or something just isn’t right. You know that person is available, but you’re just not feeling like they’re the right person to put in such an emotionally important role. That’s totally OK. You want to pick your support system based on YOUR needs – not other people’s need to feel useful.
I’ll use my brother as an example. I know he loves me, and I know he would do anything for me if I asked. But I would NEVER, EVER call him to talk about my grief. He’s a complete a-hole when it comes to feelings. So he’s not going to be on my list. My ex-husband, on the other hand, was Libby’s father and understands the hell that I’m going through. I feel totally comfortable calling him to talk about a specific memory that made me sad, or just to say I’m struggling and vent about my day.
When you come up with those 2 or 3 names, LET THEM KNOW. You can do this with just a quick text or call, explaining that you’d like to be able to share your griefy feelings or call them when you’re having a moment and they’ll be fine listening to you ramble or cry or whatever. Ask them if that’s ok– and if they don’t have the bandwidth to handle you at this point in their own lives – that’s ok too! Let them off the hook and try someone else!
Once you have those people banged out, make another list of people who you could call if you need help with something. These are not the “vent your heart out” people – these are people who have offered to help you with errands, making meals, going out for coffee, etc. Take them up on as many of these things as possible. If it’s something social they’re asking you to do, see how you feel. Saying this as an introvert – it’s not good to isolate yourself completely from the real world. A nice cup of coffee or a movie with a friend can do wonders for your mood no matter how miserable and hopeless you feel.
Now, if you struggled to find your close, venting, “ride-or-die” support relationships, or if you’re talking to others but still struggling to function after your loss, you could find a professional. This would be something like a therapist, counselor, or grief coach. The key here is to look for someone that you interact with one-on-one, whether that’s in person or online. I personally think it’s really important to have that individualized time to talk about your own specific situation, where the focus is on you alone. You can find counselors in your area or online, but I recommend working with someone who specializes in grief.
Grief can be a very lonely experience, and it's easy to feel like you're the only one going through it. By connecting with others who are also grieving, you can find comfort in knowing that you're not alone and that there are others who understand what you're going through. There are many grief support groups online that help with this – both free and paid, that you can find by Googling “grief support groups.”
Many of your favorite faces in the grief community on YouTube and social media have their own groups, and what you pick just depends on what particular people offer or whose personality you seem to mesh with. I recommend actual support groups that have a moderator and face to face meeting times online rather than just belonging to random Facebook groups, which can be really depressing and sometimes even offer harmful, rather than hopeful, advice.
Grief can be a very isolating and overwhelming experience. I know firsthand that it's natural to want to retreat and spend time by yourself when you're feeling overwhelmed or in pain. However, it's important to remember that you shouldn’t go through this difficult time alone. Binge on Netflix as much as you’d like, but every now and then drag yourself out into the real world. Trust me, you’ll feel better once you did.
