it’s beginning to look a lot like…
Not Christmas, honestly. A whole lot of “Meh.” I’m sitting in my living room right now, and my Christmas tree is lit up, the decorations are up — but only in a half-assed, “I’m just doing this because I feel like I’m supposed to,” and not my typical Martha Stewart-esque way — and my Christmas spirit is just nonexistent.
I’m really phoning in the holidays this year. I baked cookies, but I cheated and used pre-made dough. I put up my fake tree. I bought presents and wrapped most of them, but I didn’t set up a folding table and play Christmas music like I usually do. I just sat on the floor and got it done as quickly as I could — which was pretty quick, because I have teenage boys and they are statistically the most IMPOSSIBLE people to please with presents so I mostly did gift cards.
The fake tree in my kitchen blew a bulb and half the tree was unlit, so I just unplugged it and there it sits, all dark and sad. It’s kind of a metaphor for this whole year. Our light has gone out. We’re here, but we’re not really here, because our minds and hearts are out there — with her.
I am sad, and I am tired deep in my bones, and if I had my choice I’d just sleep this whole Christmas away. But I can’t, so I’ll go to my mom’s Christmas Eve party because it’s literally the most important thing in the world to her and then I’ll come home and sit out the boys’ presents under the tree and then we’ll have an anti-climactic Christmas morning without Libby’s squeals of delight and giddy laughter and hugs and then the boys will leave and go with their dad and I will clean up and probably take a nap, relieved that it’s all over.
And I’ll probably cry for a bit when I remember that I’m not going to get a Facetime call from Libs from her dad’s house showing me all of her presents and telling me that she misses and loves me and we won’t make silly faces and take pictures of ourselves using funny filters.
And I won’t have all those nights of snuggles on the sofa during our week off from school — the Christmas tree still lit and decorations still beautiful, and my wonderful daughter curled up next to me watching movies or playing on her iPad while I do something mundane like pay bills on my laptop.
Maybe eventually I’ll start some new traditions or appreciate the quiet, but this year? This year just sucks.
