Depression- Stages of Grief Series
You’ve been in shock, you’ve denied, you’ve gotten angry, bargained for your loved one’s life – and nothing has worked. They are gone, and your new reality is starting to sink in - heavily.
This is the depression stage of grief, and for many people it’s the hardest and the longest stage. So hold on to your hat as we wallow through the depths of despair. (Ok, that was really dramatic, but for real – this stage sucks.)
Depression is the fourth stage in Elizabeth Kubler Ross’s stages of grief, and it is often the longest. In fact, the effects of the depression stage may last for years after a loss.
In my opinion, the symptoms of the depression stage are felt THROUGHOUT the grieving process. It peeks its way through the shock, swirls around the anger, and creates the desperation of our bargains. But once we have accepted the reality of our loss and the fact that our person isn’t coming back, it seeps into every fiber of our being and takes us down.
When in the depression stage, we feel sadness like we’ve never felt before. Many grievers in this stage have difficulty sleeping because of constant thoughts of the death. There could be a lack of appetite, or an increase in comfort eating.
Sometimes, what’s even more frightening is when we just feel empty inside. This is the “what’s the point?” phase of grief, where we’re questioning whether we can even go on existing without our loved one. The effort to live daily life without them just seems too exhausting and overwhelming.
We lose hope that things are ever going to get better.
It is during this stage especially when many grievers find they can’t get out of bed or perform daily tasks. There’s usually an abundance of tears. Many people tend to isolate, unable to muster up the energy for social situations. Unfortunately, many grievers also try to numb their pain with alcohol or drugs. These things won’t make the pain go away, however, and the key to this stage is to let yourself FEEL the sadness.
As annoying as it might be, the phrase “The only way out is through” applies to this stage. The sadness and hopelessness of the depression stage actually help you to journey to the next stage. If avoided, those feelings can keep you mired in this stage long, long, after your loved one dies.
I can tell you from personal experience how difficult this stage is. I have cried so hard that my eyes have swollen shut. I have thought repeatedly that I couldn’t go on, to the point where I checked myself into a day program at a mental hospital.
Which brings me to my next point – Depression is a totally NORMAL part of grief. Depression while grieving does NOT mean you have a mental illness – it doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you. It’s ok to be sad, and feel helpless and hopeless, and to want to stay in your pajamas and cry.
However, if you are having frequent suicidal thoughts or find yourself making plans of suicide, you NEED to reach out to someone for help. These kinds of thoughts take grief into the area of clinical depression.
With help and support, you can get through this stage, although it’s quite common to circle back around several times, as things like special birthdays, holidays, and life events trigger bouts of sadness.
The light on the other side of depression is the next stage – acceptance – but acceptance might not mean what you think it does. So head over to the next post for more information.
