Advice for new grievers

Recently someone asked me if I had any advice for new grievers.  If I could tell them one thing, what would it be?  

Why yes.  Yes, I do have advice.  

But this is me, who is terrible at making decisions, so I can’t narrow it down to just one thing.  

Therefore, I now offer you a blog post about my advice for people thrust into a world they did not expect, or want, or deserve.  As always, these are just my opinions, and I could be wrong.  (Side note – Did anyone actually get that Dennis Miller reference?  Or am I the only one who had a huge celebrity crush on that guy?)

I don’t care what you say — Dennis Miller is hot.

If I were to give advice to someone who just suffered a life-changing loss, I would say these things:

One, stay away from grief groups in your first month or two after the loss.  

I know that sounds weird coming from someone who runs her own grief group, but hear me out.  The internet is a fickle thing, my friends.  And while there ARE some great grief communities out there, overall I found the majority of them – especially Facebook groups – a haven of depressed, doom-and-gloom members who fed off each others’ misery.  

I remember searching frantically for other mothers who had lost children, only to find so many people who had lost children 20, 30, 40 years ago, still crying literally every day and unable to function.  

Look – don’t come at me with your knives and pitchforks.  Losing someone you love sucks, and I myself am the first to admit that it changes you completely.  I have nothing personal against those people, but for me, seeing posts like that right out of the gate just sucked the hope right out of me.  It reaffirmed my feelings that I was never, ever, ever going to smile or laugh or be happy EVER again.  And that was not what I needed.

The second thing I would say to new grievers is this:  NOTHING will help you more than learning about grief.  

I know not everyone is a big Nerdypants like me, however, there are tons of articles, blogs, books, and videos out there that can give you the lowdown on what the grieving process is like.  Knowing how grief works, what to expect, what other people experience – that was INVALUABLE information for me in my first months of grief.  It helped me to understand that I wasn’t crazy, that my reactions were normal, and also when they weren’t normal, so that I knew to seek help.  

I know it’s difficult to concentrate during the early months, which is why with this blog and on my YouTube channel I try to break things down into small, easily digestible chunks.  

I’m going to be doing a post really soon with my recommendations for grief content to guzzle with your morning Starbucks, but for right now, this is my must-have, abbreviated list (click on the links for more info):

Elizabeth Kupferman’s The Irreverent Grief Guide.  This book is freaking fabulous for surviving the first few months of grief.  Unless you don’t like swearing.  In which case, you should avoid this and move down the list to…

…Pat Sheveland’s How Do I Survive?  Fantastic for parents who are going through the indescribable world of child loss.

Your Grief, Your Way, by Shelby Forsythia.  She’s amazing.  She also has a podcast called “Grief Seeds” that just melted my heart.  Her voice is like butter, and it was so soothing in those early days.  

Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy, by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant. A motivating take on picking up the pieces when your life doesn’t turn out the way you wanted.

And two videos that I freaking LOOOOOOVE:

Lucy Hone: 3 secrets of resilient people | TED Talk. Lucy also wrote a book on the same topic, but I found it very technical and difficult to handle early on.

Nora McInerny: We don't "move on" from grief. We move forward with it - TED.I listened to this, and then I listened to her books, and Nora is now my writer crush.


The last bit of advice I would offer the newly grieving is this:  REST. Rest like you have never rested before, my friend.  Rest like it is your job.  Like your life depends on it.  

10:00am nap?  Yes, please.  

Another one at 1:00pm?  Don’t mind if I do.  

Bedtime at 8:00pm?  Why the hell not?  

Turn off your phone, turn on Netflix, settle your butt down on that sofa with a warm fuzzy blanket, and rest.  You are doing the hardest work imaginable.  Your brain and body will thank you.  

Okay, so I kept it to three things.  Pretty good, right?  What would make YOUR list?