six month funk

I've been a bit absent lately. Grief is full of ups and downs, and the past two weeks have been some of my lowest. The six month mark hit me very hard. I also made the decision to stop taking some of my prescription medications before I have to go back to teaching in a few weeks, and it's kicking my ass feeling all of these feelings and having racing thoughts that were typically helped by the meds. Coupled with packing up all of my ex's stuff and several long trips to hospitals for second and third opinions on my mom's cancer treatment options, it's been a hell of a time.

Whereas social media and my website have usually been a welcome and enjoyable distraction from my grief, for the past two weeks or so I've been avoiding it. Seeing everyone's happy family vacations coupled with back-to-school ads and posts has just been too much.

I miss my baby girl with every fiber of my being, and while I'm still making sure I get out of the house every now and then because I know it's good for me, all I really want to do is curl up on my couch, read novels, look at old houses on Zillow, watch fixer-upper TV shows, and pin recipes on Pinterest, and cry. So that's what I'm doing every chance I get, because I'm trusting my brain and heart to tell me what is best for me right now.

Losing a child is so much more than just the immediate, obvious loss. This season of grief is also about dealing with the overwhelming feelings of knowing my life will never be what I wanted it to be. There is a gaping hole where my identity as a busy wife and mother used to be. Imagining a future as a single woman with grown kids who have their own lives is completely foreign. It's also very lonely and intimidating, and although I'm 100% confident that I will eventually get out of this funk where I don't seem to give a sh*t about anything other than mourning my daughter, right now just feel like licking my wounds and giving myself some grace.

Love to all. Be back in a bit. ❤️