Practicing gratitude in grief (pssst… it’s hard!)
Ok, ok… before you want to punch me in the face, let me just assure you that this is not going to be full of toxic positivity and “Rah Rah,” positive attitude crap that makes grieving people want to vomit.
What I am going to do is share how I, personally, have tried to employ gratitude throughout my grief journey to help me feel just a little bit lighter, a little more hopeful, and a little less “griefy.” (Is that a word?) Practicing gratitude is actually scientifically proven to help shift your vibes in a more positive direction during grief. Of course, that’s not the technical way that scientists would explain it, but just go with it.
When I went to the mental hospital after my daughter died, one of the first things they had me do was start what they called a “Journal of Pleasant Things.” I know some of you automatically shudder and turn up your nose when I say the word “journal,” but hear me out. It doesn’t have to be an ACTUAL journal. And it doesn’t have to be daily, like you feel FORCED to do it.
Essentially, I was supposed to get a notepad and write down three things that I was grateful for or found positive throughout my day. It didn’t matter how mundane or insignificant these things seemed. If I was having a particularly horrible day, for example, I might write something like, “I’m grateful that I have a comfortable sofa on which to curl up and cry.”
Because I’m “extra” and wanted to impress the psychiatrists at the mental hospital (and yes, typing that out I hear how ridiculous it sounds), I of course went home and immediately designed pretty journal pages in Canva that I promptly printed out and made into a notebook.
I did as instructed and most days figured out three things to write down. If I wasn’t feeling it, I didn’t do it. But most days, I did. My entries ranged in depth from, “Took a shower today,” to “The tulips are popping out of the ground. They remind me of my dad and make me smile.” I sat my notebook next to my bed, so that the last thing I did each day was try to find the positive things that had happened that day. I found it amazingly helpful.
(If you’d like to try your own Journal of Pleasant Things, I have the same template that I used available for you for free. Feel free to click HERE and print out the pages for yourself!
The next strategy for practicing gratitude that I learned was inspired by Lucy Hone, an author and speaker, but I’ve since found out it’s a pretty common acronym. HTGS stands for “Hunt the Good Stuff.” It’s a practice that military members use to learn resilience. The idea is that we are so overwhelmed with the negative – especially when we are going through something so difficult and gut-wrenching as grief – that the good in life is totally outweighed by the bad.
To combat this, we should “Hunt the Good Stuff” – create a routine of noticing and appreciating the good things that are happening around us. You could even put up reminders like sticky notes on your mirror or in your car to give you a visual clue to search for positive things. The idea is just to actively SEARCH for the good, instead of the bad, and make a mental note of those things.
The next strategy might seem almost impossible at first. I know I would’ve cried just at the thought of it in the early months after Libby’s death. But eventually, my hope is that you will get to a point where you can acknowledge and be grateful for anything the death of your loved one has given you.
Let me explain: I know that for the vast majority of us, we would literally do ANYTHING we could to go back and change things so that we never lost the person we love. If there was a way to turn back time and save my daughter, you bet your ass I would do anything to do it. If I could trade her life for mine, I would. I would rather have her here with me than anything else in the whole world.
But that’s not going to happen.
And so, I’m choosing to be grateful for the things that her death has brought me. Because Libby died, I am forever changed as a person. In some ways those are sad changes, but in some ways, they are good.
Because of Libby, I found the courage to leave a bad marriage, and I know that she would be so happy and proud to see the peace that decision has brought me.
Because of Libby, I have more time to write and a new way to help people – both things that are important to me that I didn’t have much time to do before. She was my biggest supporter, and I know she would be stalking daily to see how many followers I have and checking out my subscribers on YouTube, and she’d be right there in the pictures and videos if she could.
Because of Libby, I have stopped caring what other people think. I have learned to be more open and honest. I have become more fearless. Now that the worst possible thing has happened to me, I’m not afraid of anything. I have one life, and I want to live it with as much ease and purpose as possible.
I look at all of these things as gifts that Libby has given me. I am so, so grateful to her. So indescribably grateful.
Practicing gratitude takes a while to get used to when you’ve been surrounded by the despair and hopelessness of grief. But making even just a little effort can make you more resilient and move your forward in your grief journey.
And let me just say, I’m grateful to YOU for reading my blog, and watching my videos, and supporting me on my journey to help others through their grief.
(If you’d like to watch the video of this blog post, click HERE.)
