My return to work story (a.k.a. the u.s. idea of “bereavement” sucks)

Let’s face it — for most people, returning to work when you’re grieving sucks. In this blog post I’m going to share my personal journey on that subject. It’s my hope that by sharing this, someone out there may feel a little less alone in their struggles.

A Little Bit of Background…

First of all, the US bereavement system is terrible. Especially if you work for a larger company, corporation, or in the public sector. As many of you know, I’m an 8th grade English teacher in a public school.

In my district (and this seems to be the norm), when you lose a close relative, you get a total of five days of bereavement leave. I know, it’s a shocker, right? And what’s even more baffling is that some places think five days is generous.

To recap my history for those of you who don’t know, starting in November 2021, life handed me a series of unfortunate events. My dad passed away unexpectedly, followed tragically by my stepmom only 10 days later. Then, adding to my heartache, my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in December. And in February 2022, my world shattered when my 10-year-old daughter Libby passed away in a car accident.

All these losses, and the system allows me just five days for each to grieve. What the everloving f*ck?

Sure, there are workarounds, like borrowing from a 'sick bank' where employees donate sick days that may be used in case someone’s run out (mine did). I was allowed a maximum of 30 days from this bank after proving with a doctor's note (as if it wasn't evident) that I was mentally unable to work. Still, even that time felt cut short as I had to rush back to work from a mental health program against medical advice.

“But,” you might wonder, “Couldn’t you use FMLA or some other program to get more days off?” Well, technically, yes. However, the two options that were presesnted to me would have meant reduced pay and a staggering hike in paying for my own benefits, which was simply not an option. At that time I was a single mom — I had bills to pay, two kids to feed, and a mortgage.

The Reality of Returning to Work.

Every day, walking back into my classroom was an immense challenge. For those unfamiliar with teaching — imagine performing in a theatre, five days a week, five hours a day. It's absolutely draining. And when you’re battling grief, it feels impossible. My colleagues were amazing, but there's only so much that can be done to ease such a profound pain.

After Libby died, I had to return to work after a month — mid March. I constantly told myself, "Just two more months until summer break." I went back the following year and did it all again.

Going through all those 'firsts' without Libby – her birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, the anniversary of her passing – in front of a room full of eighth-graders was more than exhausting. I perfected a “fake face” because I didn’t want to let my students down despite my inner turmoil.

In addition, throughout the year after Libby’s death, my mom's health was deteriorating, and every ounce of energy I had was dedicated to helping her. I used all of my available sick days that I had gotten back (plus many unpaid days) for her cancer treatment days and hospital stays.

In essence, I had a choice between a paycheck and mental well-being. It's a choice no one should have to make.

My mom passed away in April, a year and two months after Libby. I took my allowed five days off work (five days—can you believe it?), sucked it up, and jumped right back in.

Still Working, Still Grieving…

How am I doing this new school year? Well, to be honest, this year there is a deep emotional void that I can’t fill. This is the year my Libby should be joining me at the middle school where I work. It might not seem like a big deal, but Libby was SOOOOOO excited to join me at the middle school. And I was equally excited to have her there. Seeing her classmates and friends starting their middle school journey without her has been more than I can bear at times.

In a job where I have to be "on" all the time, it's hard to find a moment to grieve. The schedule dictates everything—even bathroom breaks! So, I'm honest with my students. If I have to step out of the room for a moment to compose myself, I let them know it's part of the grieving process. They've been incredibly understanding so far. My coworkers have also been great. It’s just that such a profound loss is not something that can be fixed, you know?

For Those Struggling, You're Not Alone

If you're in a similar boat—grieving but having to keep on keeping on—I get it. It's really, really tough. If you have the chance to take some time for yourself, don't hesitate to do it. And if you can't, know that I'm sending so much love and strength your way. We can do this.

If you’d like to watch the video version of this post, click below.

Previous
Previous

how grief changes us

Next
Next

Pros and cons of returning to work after loss