"There are moments that the words don't reach. There is suffering too terrible to name... You hold your child as tight as you can, and push away the unimaginable." -"It's Quiet Uptown," Hamilton Soundtrack
Today, my daughter should've turned 11. This morning I got dressed and, just like I've been doing since she was born, I went into her room to wake her up and softly sing "Happy Birthday" to her to start her day. I knelt on the floor next to where she should have been and sang "Happy Birthday" to an empty bed.
I tried to go to work, even though I knew it would be such a hard day, because if I took the day off it would be unpaid. I made it to my classroom. And then I just sat behind my desk, staring at nothing, with tears running down my cheeks. Some of my amazing co-workers came to check on me, and when I broke down in front of two of them, right before students were about to start trickling in, they insisted I go home -- that my mental health was more important than trying to be responsible.
I can't thank them enough. I have had a pain in my chest building all week and today it is like someone has ripped my heart out of my chest. I'm so grateful that my co-workers had my back and didn't let me power through this impossible day.
Libby... My beautiful Libs, Libbers, Libber-beans, Baby Girl... I can't believe I don't get to see you grow up into the amazing woman I know you would've become. I think back to how much fun I had planning your birthday parties-- whether it was Frozen, Sophia the First, Trolls, Little Mermaid, or a Hawaiian Luau -- and I can't believe I won't get to plan any more. (I still have this year's Hamilton party ideas saved on Pinterest. We would've had so much fun!)
I hope you know how unbelievably proud I am to be your mama. You lit up my life for ten years.
It was not enough.
I promise to be like Eliza Hamilton and tell the story of what an amazing child you were. I will help others in your name and spread kindness and compassion to the best of my ability. You planted the seeds of your legacy with your beautiful life, and I will help them grow.
Happy birthday, my sweet girl. I will love you always.
