happy birthday
"There are moments that the words don't reach. There is suffering too terrible to name... You hold your child as tight as you can, and push away the unimaginable." -"It's Quiet Uptown," Hamilton Soundtrack
Today, my daughter should've turned 11. This morning I got dressed and, just like I've been doing since she was born, I went into her room to wake her up and softly sing "Happy Birthday" to her to start her day. I knelt on the floor next to where she should have been and sang "Happy Birthday" to an empty bed.
I tried to go to work, even though I knew it would be such a hard day, because if I took the day off it would be unpaid. I made it to my classroom. And then I just sat behind my desk, staring at nothing, with tears running down my cheeks. Some of my amazing co-workers came to check on me, and when I broke down in front of two of them, right before students were about to start trickling in, they insisted I go home -- that my mental health was more important than trying to be responsible.
I can't thank them enough. I have had a pain in my chest building all week and today it is like someone has ripped my heart out of my chest. I'm so grateful that my co-workers had my back and didn't let me power through this impossible day.
Libby... My beautiful Libs, Libbers, Libber-beans, Baby Girl... I can't believe I don't get to see you grow up into the amazing woman I know you would've become. I think back to how much fun I had planning your birthday parties-- whether it was Frozen, Sophia the First, Trolls, Little Mermaid, or a Hawaiian Luau -- and I can't believe I won't get to plan any more. (I still have this year's Hamilton party ideas saved on Pinterest. We would've had so much fun!)
I hope you know how unbelievably proud I am to be your mama. You lit up my life for ten years.
It was not enough.
I promise to be like Eliza Hamilton and tell the story of what an amazing child you were. I will help others in your name and spread kindness and compassion to the best of my ability. You planted the seeds of your legacy with your beautiful life, and I will help them grow.
Happy birthday, my sweet girl. I will love you always.
