5 things you should definitely say to someone who’s lost a child
Last week I wrote about the five things you should NEVER say to a grieving parent. Today I’m going to lighten things up a bit and share with you the absolute BEST things you can say and/or do for someone who has lost a child.
In the aftermath of such a tragedy, many people freeze and go silent because they have no idea what to say to someone who just had the worst happen. It’s uncomfortable, and awkward, and it’s easier to avoid the situation than saying the wrong thing.
But here’s the thing you need to remember – there IS no right thing to say. There are no comforting words that will take away the pain that a grieving parent is feeling. Acknowledging this takes away some of the pressure you might feel and allows you to show up in whatever capacity you can. You have no idea how much a simple “Just checking in,” or “Love you” means to someone whose world has shattered.
If there’s someone you’d like to help support, get in the game! You’ve got this.
Here’s my list of Five Things You Definitely SHOULD Say to a Grieving Parent:
“I’m so sorry”/ “I don’t even know what to say.”/ “This is so unfair.” / “This sucks.” Once you’ve recognized that there is nothing you can say to comfort a grieving parent, these are great phrases for short interactions. They let us know that you understand the depth and injustice of our loss without trying to sugarcoat it. One of the best responses I received after my daughter died was from a coworker who rambled in a long text about how angry he was at the whole situation, how it just wasn’t right, and how incredibly sorry he was. It was sprinkled with f-bombs that made me think, “Yes. He gets it.” I’m also a huge fan of a simple hug and a “This sucks.” Because yes, it certainly does.
“I remember when your child _______”/ “Your child meant so much to me/my child.” Many people are scared to bring up the dead child’s name to a grieving parent. I can tell you from experience that in most cases, we appreciate you sharing your stories with us. Here’s the thing – you’re not going to “remind” us of our loss. We’re already thinking about it all the time. So there’s no need to worry about upsetting us because it’s always bubbling under the surface. We want to know that our child meant something to other people. Tell us your stories about them. I was, and still am, dumbfounded by the amount of wonderful memories people shared with me about Libby. I knew she was amazing – more amazing than a typical 10 year-old – but she impacted so many people in her short time. It’s wonderful to know how special she was to so many people.
Along those lines, it means SO much to me when people visit my daughter’s crash site. After she died people left little gifts, signs, cards, and flowers there, and every now and then, even months later, people stop by to leave new things or help clean it up and organize it, or even just to sit and “talk” with her. It breaks my heart (in a good way) to know that others are feeling her loss so deeply and remembering her in this way – especially because visiting that spot is traumatic for me so I can’t go there often.
3. “I’m bringing you dinner on Thursday.” When Libby died, people showered me with cards, texts, flowers and phone calls. I loved and appreciated all of them. However, the most helpful thing that people did was take over the practical aspects of life. When someone loses a child, they are in shock. They literally forget to do the basic things like eat, sleep, and move. PRACTICAL gifts are life-savers.
A few of my favorite things were meal delivery gift cards, grocery delivery gift cards, delivered meals, and self-care gifts such as massages. And two INCREDIBLE blessings were a free house cleaning and a donated yard clean-up by a landscaping company.
Here is the KEY with these things. Don’t offer. Just DO. Grieving parents need help, but we usually feel guilty asking for it. Most times when people say, “Is there anything you need?” I will politely say no, because it seems really weird to say, “Hey, my flowerbeds are full of weeds and I just don’t have the freaking energy to deal with them.”
4. “I know this is (child’s birthday, death day, any holiday, etc.), so I just wanted to check in to let you know I’m thinking about you. No response needed.” When you’re a grieving parent, special days are HARD. Days leading up to special days are hard. Heck, I broke down crying just getting out my Fall decorations because Libby always got so excited when I put them out. It means so much to know that other people are thinking of us and acknowledging the difficulty we’re going through when these days roll around. The “no response needed” is clutch as well, because it lets us off the hook when it comes to responding to texts, which can be overwhelming.
5. “Sending you an open offer to (go for a walk, see a movie, make some pottery, etc.). No pressure.” As a grieving parent, I can tell you that some days I have social energy, and others I’d give anything to stay in my pjs and binge my Amazon playlist. I love this message because it leaves wiggle room. If I’m in a mood to do any of those things, it lets me know that you’re available and willing. And if I’m not, I don’t feel guilty about turning you down. One note here – please don’t get upset if the person you’re supporting backs out of plans. It’s not you – it’s the grief. Sometimes what seems like a good idea turns into a Herculean effort that we just can’t manage, and we cancel. We’re sorry, and we still appreciate your offer so, so, much.
So that’s it! My list of five of the BEST things to say to a grieving parent. One last word on behalf of my fellow introverts – if you call, I probably won’t answer. I absolutely hate talking on the phone. As the saying goes – it’s not you, it’s me.
My preference is to get texts, emails, social media messages, etc. and respond back when and if I have the energy and time to do so. If you reach out with these awesome messages and don’t get a response, please don’t worry or take it personally. That’s why I love the “No response needed” add-on to a message. It lets me know that there’s no pressure to respond.
One last word of important advice … During the early days after a child’s death, family members are usually flooded with support. However, by a few months later, that support dwindles down to the occasional check-in.
I cried the other day (in a good way) when a friend and her daughter (who was a friend of Libby’s) dropped off roast beef dinners for our family. My anxiety had ramped up from seeing everyone’s “Back to School” posts and dance class posts, and I had also gone back to work for the new school year, and I was overwhelmed and depressed. I had resorted to spending money I didn’t have on DoorDash and/or making sandwiches. That gesture meant so much to this tired lady.
Any ways that you can show a grieving parent “I see you,” “I think about you,” and “I care” will mean the world.
And a personal thank you to all of the wonderful people who have supported me… I love you all.
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